Give up your Wizards!2 min read

Sometimes self-represented parties in a divorce proceeding do not retain attorneys because they are confident that they can resolve their divorce through settlement negotiations with their spouse. They may be aware of the mediation option for assisting with their settlement negotiations, but they do not select the mediation option because they may be concerned that mediation is not going to be fair, or that using a mediator, like retaining an attorney is simply too expensive. In other cases, there may not be significant conflict between the parties, but one of the parties is simply not willing to participate in a mediated process. The parties may have already decided how they will divide their marital assets, the amount of spousal and child support one will pay…

Many of us learned the gymnastic term the “twisties” this week when the news broke that world-renowned gymnast, Simone Biles, had withdrawn from the women’s all-around competition at the Tokyo Olympics. “I just don’t trust myself as much as I used to,” Biles told reporters in Tokyo and she stated that she “wanted to focus on her mental health.” Apparently, getting “the twisties” is a gymnast’s biggest nightmare. The twisties are described as a mysterious phenomenon — suddenly a gymnast is no longer able to do a twisting skill he or she has done thousands of times before. Elle Reeve, a CNN reporter who used to compete in gymnastics said the twisties are a condition where, “Your body just won’t cooperate, your brain loses track…

Marriage counselors often talk about how couples repeat the same “dance steps” when they argue. It is common for couples who are divorcing to have developed some bad communication styles, and they may have engaged in these styles for so long that they are now habitual. A marriage counselor may try to teach couples new dance steps to save their marriage and handle conflict. Unfortunately, if the couple continues to be stuck in old patterns of conflict, these destructive patterns do not get any better when they divorce. Destructive Divorce Dances THE LIMBO Characteristics How Low Can You Go? THE MACARENA Characteristics Hey Macarena!!! STOMP Characteristics Take that! SALSA Characteristics Hot! Hot! Hot! When couples are divorcing and find themselves engaging in a “destructive dance”…

It is often said that the dominant culture of divorce is an adversarial one. A culture where winning and losing is the name of the game and that divorce is war. Family attorneys most often identify with the litigation community. If family litigation is the prevailing divorce culture then the family mediation community is a counter culture. The way one identifies with a community or culture is to look at the following factors: 1) How do the members of the culture or community behave; 2) What do its members believe, and 3) To what organizations do they belong? The members of the Family Mediation Community behave in a manner that fosters consensual and amicable decision making. They act in ways that encourage problem solving, and…

If you approach your divorce with the mindset that divorce is war, then you will seek to win battles, defend your position, prepare to attack, and stockpile ammunition. Your adversarial mindset may place your children in danger of becoming casualties of your war. If instead, you adopt a cooperative mindset, your divorce can be a transformative journey, where you look optimistically towards the future, engage in thoughtful decision making and determine your own path. Your children can be your fellow travelers. The mindset you choose will create and shape your divorce experience. In our current culture too many divorcing couples are influenced by the concept that divorce is destructive like war rather than seeing divorce as a transformative process, a journey where positive change and…

This is the second part of a Three-Part Article on best practices for mediating the disposition of the Family Residence. Last week’s blog focused on the important considerations and questions that need to be addressed when the parties are deciding whether to sell or stay in the family home. This article will assume that the parties have agreed to list the Family Residence for sale. Mediators and other divorce professionals should rely on a step-by-step process that they routinely implement to ensure that their clients consider all the practical and financial issues involved in selling the Family Residence. In most cases, the parties will have a myriad of concerns and fears that include not just financial concerns, but also fears related to moving from a…